Beautiful savior

It's been awhile blogger.

Maybe it's easier for more people to see things here rather than on Tumblr.

But anyway...

AS USUAL, I would most likely come up with some emotional jargon about how hurt I've been and how bad my year has been...

But, learning from the past, I learned alot this year from my sufferings and from my hurts. They say our struggles make us a stronger person. I concur.

When my heart broke the second time; When my life came crashing down again; When I broke into tears again; When I felt like ending my life, again; When I felt like giving up on my principles and beliefs in favor of a life that will give me more pleasure and happiness (for the first time)...

I learned.

Having nearly the same event happen to me again this year made me look back at when the first time it happened. I was so childish, so immature, so naive.

I saw it coming this time too, but to no avail. Yes, I would say that I acted better this time around, but my emotions still clouded my judgment. I still felt so hurt; so very hurt.

But what I learned after being more of a thinker this time around from the event has taught me much about myself. I learned that I(mainly lah):

1. Couldn't give a large part of my life to God willingly, as much as I wanted to believe that when I sang "all I have is Christ", I meant it, I didn't.
2. That the problem of my heart is a problem that has to be fixed some other way.
3. That when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go from there, is up.


For (1), having my best friends stripped away; having my source of comfort and joy stripped away, showed me how much I rely too much on them to be happy. Yes, friends are important. Yes, losing them will make you sad. But I idolized some of them. They became my idols. It's perfectly fine to be feeling suicidal and all emo from a secular standpoint when you've lost your best bud, but it's hypocrisy if you go to Church on Sunday and sing about how all you have is Christ. I have to learn how to have more faith! (though I confess, I'm not really sure if it's wrong per se. to feel sad because you've lost your friends, as it is a sad event regardless of who you really live your life for. However, given the fact that I was sad until a point where I felt like living no more revealed alot.

(2)? My family, my burden. Love is something I probably hardly grew up with; or at least in a screwed up manner. I was brought up thinking that love = money, that when someone spends alot for you and gets you nice gifts, then he/she loves you. As I grew up perhaps I started to understand why I this wasn't so, and that I was lacking so much. So whenever I met a girl who was loving, caring and could accept me as a friend despite my weaknesses, I would tend to fall for her, and scarily enough, regardless if she had a boyfriend or not(I tried fighting it...guess a year or two was enough to break me down). I guess the problem with me is obvious; I have a broken heart, yearning for love. But I'm starting to understand that I am seeking for it in the wrong places (or at least, my body has been doing so without my consent) (I guess my solution to this isn't to be a celibate or what not, but to remember that relationships work two ways. I have to think of what I can do for that special someone and how I will impact her life. Then maybe things will become more realistic...)

(3), well, I guess I'm recovering, albeit slowly. I don't know how much scars I'll have, but so far, so good.
Looks like the only thing burdening me now is my a-levels examination (and of course I do still think about what has happened...sometimes)



I am a thinker. My potential cannot be used if my mind is always being clogged up by emotions :x